I happen to be one of those individuals that are left-handed. Oh yes, I know, we are the minority, but have you noticed how our language takes note of this physical difference?

For example, you say I am left-handed but you know that statement also includes my arm, which is attached to my hand? I am left-handed and left-armed. The language experts would say I’m an LEFARM. Yeah, that’s RIGHT. Oh, that RIGHT word again.

WAIT! You see what I just said above? I said, “that’s right.” Get it?
RIGHT! Why do they say, “that is right?” Why not say that is LEFT even when you mean that is RIGHT? RIGHT? RIGHT!

They call us SOUTHPAWS. What does that mean? Is there something strange, weird, odd, unbalanced, etc., when something is “SOUTH?” I guess the people in North Dakota are more normal than those in South Dakota. Those poor people in South Carolina, they’re just not RIGHT.
Oops, there is that “RIGHT” word again. Of course, those individuals born south of the Mason-Dixon Line must be strange.
OR . . . are they?

Psychologists have written many articles about handedness. Some have attempted to change lefthanders from a lovable klutz to a doomed race. Some have argued for a variety of reasons, ranging from less immunity to disease to a higher accident rate, lefties didn’t live as long as righties.

There are those that claim there is evidence that left-handedness are caused by minor brain damage at birth. As a result, lefties are clumsier if perhaps also more creative.

Some medical literature report lefties have a higher accident rate, are more likely to have their fingers amputated due to power-tool accidents, suffer more write fractures, etc. They also claim lefties suffer a higher incidence of allergies, epilepsy, schizophrenia, and certain learning disabilities.

Other studies show lefties with an unusually high frequency of depression, drug abuse, bed-wetting, attempted suicide, lower-than-normal birth weight, sleeping disorders, and autoimmune diseases.
Since I am left-handed and 71, I question all these study, report, etc.

However, I must admit, as a lefthander, you do begin to think, “Am I really differently?” Read on, friends.

I came home from work the other night and my wife said we are going to have LEFTOVERS for supper tonight. Well . . . now I’m wondering, what is the difference between LEFTOVERS and RIGHT-OVERS?
Of course, you never hear anyone say we are going to have RIGHT-OVERS for supper tonight. WHY? If LEFTOVERS is something that is edible a day or two after it was cooked, then I can only assume that RIGHT-OVERS must be consumed the day it was cooked. However, you never hear my wife say, “tonight we are going to have RIGHT-OVERS. UMMMMMMMMMM, GOOD!

I have heard the so-called sports experts say lefthanders have a better natural curve when throwing a baseball. However, they always follow this statement by stating the lefthander may have a natural curve, but he never knows where the ball is going.

Even court procedures favor right-handers. If you go to court and must testify, they swear you in by instructing you to raise your RIGHT arm/hand. At certain other functions, such as swearing in the President of the United States, the individual is instructed to place their LEFT hand on the bible and raise their RIGHT hand. Well, as far as I’m concerned, that tells the story. WHICH HAND IS ON THE BIBLE?
THE LEFT. (CASE CLOSED).

Can you tell me the difference when one says, “it’s right on target?” If I say, “it’s left on target,” does that mean it is off the target or just left of the target?

I heard someone say, “Oh, he just left.” Why not say, “Oh, he just right?” I guess if he just right, then that would mean he did not leave.
(Or left). Just recently there was a headline in a newspaper that read:
“BOY LEFT ON SCHOOL BUS.” You never see a headline read:
“BOY RIGHT ON SCHOOL BUS.” I guess if he RIGHT on the school bus then he must not be on the school bus, even though he is RIGHT.
RIGHT? Kinda makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

Why when something is correct it is right and when it is incorrect it is wrong? Even here they left (that left word again) us out. Why not say when something is wrong just say it is left? I heard some Lyric’s to a song. It said, “RIGHT IS RIGHT AND LEFT IS WRONG.” Oh really?
I think the Lyrics should be RIGHT IS RIGHT and WRONG JUST LEFT.

Was Henry Ford wrong (or left) when he put the driver’s side of his model T Ford on the left (wrong) side? Hmmm, interesting. The aircraft commander of large aircraft sits in the LEFT seat.

We all know the heart is on the left side of the body, or, at least that applies to most of the human species. One must wonder why God selected the most important organ (heart) of the human body to be placed on the LEFT side of the body. But, here again, they (whomever they are) insist the RIGHT hand be placed over the heart when paying respect to the flag. Wonder who started this, Napoleon?

They say “RIGHT SIDE UP.” Well, I guess if someone said “LEFT SIDE UP” that means the RIGHT side is down? What if you wanted it down? Then would it be right or left?

When I entered the military service, they ordered me to salute the Officers with my right hand. Why? I wanted to salute with my left hand. Who started this saluting with the right hand in the first place? Someone said it was Napoleon, but what does he know? He’s dead!
When we marched and approached the reviewing stand, we received orders; “EYES RIGHT.” Why not “EYES LEFT?” But, I guess if they had “EYES LEFT” that would mean the eyes took off and are no longer in the immediate area. We could not tolerate this situation, could we?

Greetings between two individuals usually begin by shaking hands, RIGHT HANDS. Who started this? Was it Napoleon?

Why are scissors made only for right-handed individuals? Let’s make them so they will be compatible for both left and right-handed folks. I bought a B-B gun; the handle grip was molded for right-handed individuals. I wrote the company a letter, got no response. I bet these people were friends of Napoleon.

A co-worker told me I placed the data sheet on a clipboard wrong (or should I say left?). The same person stated I closed a pad lock “left-handed.” He said I should close it “right-handed” because everyone else here was “right-handed.” I asked him if all employees here had large ears does that mean I must have large ears?

Do you know when I purchase a baseball glove I must pay more for it then same type of right-handed glove? Because it happens to be left-handed. I asked the salesman why do they charge more for the left-handed gloves? He said they do not manufacture as many even though they use same amounts of material. That’s interesting! So, if they make a glove for a nonexistent hand, the price would be prohibitive?

Try buying left-handed golf clubs, now that will cost you a bundle.
Oh well, I guess we should consider ourselves fortunate, so far they have not forced us to buy left-handed basketballs.

Do you realize all playing positions on a baseball team are not available to lefthanders? Let me walk out on the field and tell the coach I want to play third, shortstop or second-base - he will tell me I’m not qualified, I’m LEFT-HANDED. How many catchers do you know that were left-handed? So, out of nine positions we qualify for only five. Forty-four point 4 percent of the team is selected before we arrive at the ballparks. Coincidentally, all right-handers qualify for all positions. I say strike three. You’re ALL out!

How many left-handed guitars are available to us “Southpawlers?” Oh, do not mind that - just play the right-handed guitars, not that much difference. SURE! Of course, the same applies to other musical equipment, pianos, fiddles, etc. I think these individuals are all “OUT OF TUNE.” Oh well, someone has to carry the gear.

When I was in the first grade, the teacher instructed all students to write with their paper at a specified angle. The only problem, she did not
ask if there were lefthanders in the class. I followed instructions, that

is, tilting the top part of the paper to the left. I had no problems with this until the third grade. It was then the third grade teacher instructed me to tilt the top part of the paper to the right. She said this is the proper way for lefthanders, and, she ordered me to obey her instructions. This was quite confusing because my handwriting had been acceptable, why change? Fortunately, she did not pursue the point and I continued with the paper tilted to the left, as I do today.

There were nine individuals in our family. When eighteen arms/hands with nine hungry mouths circled the dinner table, you do not want to waste time arguing about individual positions. Incidentally, the above table count did not include our dogs and cats. No one wanted to sit next to me because my left hand/arm would bump into his or her right hand/arm.
To resolve the problem, they position me on one of the corners. I still like corners.

Have you ever experienced a right-handed person teaching a left-handed person how to tie shoestrings or neckties? I recall, as a youngster, someone was teaching me to put the correct shoe on the correct foot.
I took the left shoe, put it on my left foot and the individual said, “very good, you put it on the RIGHT foot. SAY WHAT?

Individuals have taken tools out of my hand while working on a project. Know why? They said I make them nervous using my left hand; it looks so odd and they feel I really do not know how to do the job. When working on a project I disliked, the left-hand became my starring character. At times, I thought it should have received an “Oscar.”

This problem even extends to my marriage. Do you know my wife has a RIGHT-HAND kitchen? Everything in the kitchen conforms to a right-handed configuration. The only way I feel comfortable in the kitchen is to back in when entering.

One of these days (when I’m not too busy), I plan to design items specifically for left-handed souls. For example, I’m thinking about inventing a left-handed coffee cup. What about a left-handed ball cap?
Or, left-handed ballpoint pens, left-sided pillows, left-handed commodes, left-handed dishes, left-handed doorknobs, etc. Obviously, left-handed coat hangers will be on the list (I could go on but will spare you the pain.)

I bet there are some left-handed monkeys swinging from tree to tree in the jungle. How about birds? Surely there are those with left-handed wings. I even observed a pine tree that had limbs only on the left side.

Incidentally, a thorough scientific study has determined ALL polar bears are left-handed, or, maybe we should say left-pawed.

And, as the theory goes, LEFT is EVIL, (sinistral). Does that mean RIGHT (dextral) is not evil? For whatever it means, EVIL written backwards is LIVE.

George Bush and William Clinton are left-handed. I concur. It was not wise to place this paragraph in this article. In fact, five of the last 10 Presidents were left-handed. We may be the accidents prone, but, we ARE leaders.
Since we are talking about politicians, what about our BILL OF RIGHTS, the first 10 amendments to the United States of America Constitution? I say, let’s have a BILL OF LEFTS. The Bill of Rights was written to safeguard fundamental rights against usurpation of the federal government and, prohibiting interference with existing rights.
We are fortunate our Forefathers had the insight to write a document, which protected individual rights. However, I must ask again, what about a “Bill of Lefts?”

So . . . for the benefit of all the left-handed individuals here on mother-earth and father-mars, I propose the following:

1) Free to salute with either hand from noon ‘til midnight.

2) Free to place the left hand over the heart while paying respects to our flag.

3) Free to suck your left thumb from noon to midnight.

4) Right-handed citizens cannot call you LEFTY, SOUTHPAW,
WEIRDO, FREAK, SPACE CADET, CLUMSY, ETC.

5) Free to shake hands with the left hand from noon ‘til midnight.

6) Scissors must be manufactured for either hand. All right-handed
manufactured tools must contain a left-hand modification kit.

7) A rule preventing players on baseball teams from wearing a glove and
a rule allowing left-handed pitchers to hit at least three players during a game.

8) Authority to change all plumbing systems. We want that darn hot
water control on the RIGHT side. You would be surprised how many
lefthanders have been sizzled by that left control. We want ALL
controls changed. Example: To start the water flow you must rotate
the control clockwise. (That should get a few of them).

9) Authority to reconfigure the entire transportation system to satisfy
left-handed requirements. Example: All highways redesigned to make the left lane the primary lane.
All signs must point to the left and, certainly, no right turns would be allowed.

10) All sport games must be designed for clockwise movement.
For example: In baseball the first base will be moved to third base
and third base to first base. All auto race tracks, horse-racing tracks,
ice racing events, running tracks, etc must be configured for clockwise movement.

This concludes the proposed Bill of Lefts. If any lefthanders have a suggestion, please advise.

Lefthanders do have occasions where it is advantageous to be left-handed. When I was in high school, I had a job washing dishes in a local restaurant. The owner, Harry Schirrmann, purchased a new modern, automatic dishwasher. Harry was extremely proud of his new dishwasher. He would spend several hours operating the unit and invite his friends to observe his expertise in latest dishwashing technology. I must confess, I, too, was impressed with the unit. The system included a salvage jar and a 25-gallon device with garbage filters. A waterspout on one side of the salvage jar would wash away the uneaten food. Fresh hot/cold water was controlled per the operator’s choice. The plates, cups and silverware were loaded into trays. The trays were moved into the dishwasher for complete washing and drying.

What was unique about the dishwasher, at least from my point of view, the design was perfect for a left-handed person. Harry took pride in how quickly he could wash dishes. He would count the items to determine how many he could wash in one hour. One day I noticed he was observing me for a lengthy period of time. Finally, he told me he was watching me wash dishes and could not understand how I washed dishes quicker than anyone else, including Harry. Few days later, I heard him say, “I know, I know.” He told me I was faster because it was a LEFT-HANDED dishwasher.

This left-handed subject is recorded in the Bible. Refer to the King James Bible, JUDGES, Chapter 20, Verse 16: “Among all these people there were seven-hundred chosen men, left-handed, everyone could sling stones at a hair BREADTH, and not miss.”

Now, friends, if you think I have traveled through life (71 years) possessed born and reared left-handed, do not despair. Far from it! In
reality I have not been mistreated, neglected, picked-on, etc., because I’m left-handed. Nor have I considered being different or deprived of the privileges given to others. The important consideration is having two arms/hands that are healthy - PERIOD!

There is no problem. I am just trying out my new computer and this was the subject I selected. However, if you read this, you have a problem. All of the above is written backwards, or is that . . .
S D R A W K C A B? Signed . . . LEFTY..or.SMELLY

 LEFT-HANDERS CLUB OF IRELAND (1992)